Disagreements and conflicts are inevitable in most of human relationships whether it is personal or professional. There will be conflicts whenever you have a group of people, because each of us come with different values, needs and perspectives. And in most relationships, conflict is a major stress trigger that can lead you to lot of chaos and anxiety.
Sometimes, certain conflicts seem insurmountable, where reaching a place of agreement almost seems impossible. Whether it is a disagreement over an issue, or an argument with someone about a course of action or a solution, finding a common ground can often prove to be a challenge.
Whenever you are in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude. –William James
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Why we fear interpersonal conflicts
Most of the feuds and fallouts involve lot of reactive, and ego-driven behaviour, which makes many people averse to engage in a dialogue. We worry about saying something that others will disagree with, or feel apprehensive about what we say/do will annoy them.
In interpersonal relationships, this deep rooted fear of upsetting others might manifest into shying away from putting across your point of view, or avoiding uncomfortable interactions instead of expressing issues openly. Conflict avoidance further leads to denying or ignoring issues, deliberately sidestepping difficult conversations, and silently resenting unresolved issues.
While it can be tempting to bottle up feelings like anger and frustration by not rocking the boat, conflict-avoiding tendencies can take a toll on your mental health. Leaving conflicts unresolved leads to pent-up frustration and a greater sense of loneliness that can build up over time.
Ineffective behaviours in a conflict
Besides avoidance, there are other behaviours that can literally make or break any chance you have of resolving the conflict. Here are some such behaviours.
- Jumping to be defensive. Defensive people deny the part they played in a conflicting and evade taking responsibility of any wrong doing. Denying the possibility that they could be contributing to a problem could lead to long term problems.
- Overgeneralisation. When having a difficult conversation, some people blow it out of proportion by making broad generalisations. Using statements that are broad and untrue only escalates a conflict leading to more negativity.
- Stonewalling. When one side wants to raise troubling issues in the relationship, the other side defensively stonewalls, or refuses to talk or listen to them. This not only shows disrespect, but also increases the contempt and builds more hostility or resentment.
- Blaming. Some people criticise, and blame the other person leading the conflict situation going nowhere. This behaviour comes out in words such as ‘you shouldn’t’ve’ or ‘you always’ or you are the one to blame. They see admitting any fault as a weakness and try to deflect everything onto other people.
- Condemning is often a sign of defending themselves against their own feelings of inadequacy. They always look for faults, look for gaps. Condemning others and focusing on others, shortcomings, makes it difficult to get ahead in resolving any issue.
- Challenging/commanding. Trying to dare someone into submission or into action only builds more resentment rather than respect. Daring or threatening will only backfire on you. Commanding or challenging words further intensify conflicts rather than resolve them.
- Condescending or being right. Acting superior or showing that you are always right or trying to bring the other person down only damages the relationship. Demanding the other sees things the way you do, making a case for how wrong others are, or discounting their concerns only creates gaps in a relationship.
- Psychoanalysing. Most of us base our judgments about the other based on assumptions rather than facts. Some people even go to the extent of assuming how other people think and feel about a situation. This often leads to wrong conclusions being drawn and create hostility and misunderstanding.
- Not listening. When you don’t pay attention to the concerns of the other person in the conflict, you will only make the situation more hostile and unfriendly. When people don’t feel heard, they can lead to faulty interpretations, assumptions and misjudged perceptions.
How to find common ground in a conflict
When you cannot find anything to align with, conflict can lead to lot of negative behaviours, chaos, and confusion in your relationships. Finding common ground on the other hand takes you beyond suspicion and hostility.
To be on the same page, we need to be in the same book.” – R. Guhathakurta
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Focus on the outcome rather than winning the argument
In an interpersonal conflict, sometimes, you hit a stonewall when you get bogged down arguing about specifics. One way to move forward is to take your conversations up as many levels as you need until you find common ground. Since each one involved in the conflict have different views, having an agenda that addresses common concerns in a relationship can allow more flexibility and openness.
When conflict becomes a win-lose contest in our minds, we immediately try to win.
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— Thomas Crum
Do a kind of scenario exploration. Asking yourself, what is standing in your way, is there some strong reason as to why the other side is not coming to terms or get to a place of agreement? It is helpful to understand what you want the outcome to be.
Know your top and bottom lines, walk away points, and your alternatives. Find how to create the best possible outcomes for each out of the situation.
Exploring wider opportunities and setting your top and bottom lines keeps you focused on discussing the outcome rather than winning the argument.
Understand other perspectives
You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view.
Harper Lee
It is important to recognize that you each my have different values, beliefs, and principles that shape your individual perspectives and experiences. By respecting and valuing others’ unique perspectives, while also having a clear sense of your values and goals, it’s possible to move towards a common purpose.
Also, learning the underlying reason why someone believes something can help you see a different side of the issue. Sometimes it may not change your mind, but it might help you treat the other person with more empathy and give you fresh ideas to discuss.
It is not okay to believe that your way of seeing things is the only correct way to look at the situation. And It is also important not to give into pride or an overinflated ego. Instead recognise alternative points of view without taking them as personal attacks.
Agree to disagree
Disagreeing with someone doesn’t necessarily mean “fighting.” You can always be kind and friendly even when you’d rather not. Allowing others’ perspectives doesn’t mean caving into another’s view. It means that you are open to see what’s what.
Keep in mind that it’s not about blaming the other person or proving who’s right and wrong in a given situation. Conflict resolution is about standing up for yourself and communicating your needs and values. This ensures that problematic issues are dealt with so they don’t happen again in the future.
Get curious
Preconceived notions can stand in the way of attempting to find common ground. Work towards shredding what you think you know and become curious about other persons beliefs, values and motivations. When we get curious, we understand why someone else also feels strongly. Are the disagreements because of non alignment of values, facts or actions?
Practice active listening
Active listening is an essential skill for finding common ground. Responding to what the other person is saying, hearing, and paraphrasing reinforces that you’re genuinely interested in understanding their perspective. Repeat back what the other person has said in different words to make sure you’ve understood them correctly. Then, add your perspective to what they’ve said. For instance, “I can see why you feel that way, but I also think…”
Choose assertiveness over defensiveness
To resolve issues in real time, take a more assertive approach rather than endlessly letting conflicts to fester in your head. Use fact-based sentences, and avoid being accusatory or defensive. And if you find yourself getting angry or defensive in an argument, take a step back and try to regulate your emotions by acknowledging them. Once you’re feeling more logical and calm, you can start to look for common ground again.
Be mindful of your own biases.
We all want to win arguments, be right, and be liked, so it’s easy to fall into the trap of only listening to information that supports our point of view. To be aware of your own biases, think critically and practice a mindful approach to—
- Open to what ever shows up, including different different opinions—even if you don’t agree with them.
- Pause to listen.
- Engage in a dialogue by being curious
- Notice the benefits of exploring wider perspectives.
This might even help you find common ground where you thought there was none.
Questions for self-reflection
Which of these ineffective behaviours do you use most often in your relationships?
Do they prevent or facilitate a peaceful resolution?
How often do you try to win an argument and why?
What is your default strategy in a conflict—Avoid, blame, defend or to find a common goal?
How might understanding other’s perspective benefit you in a conflict?
Conclusion
In a conflict, the purpose should not always be to win, or avoid, or to leave it unresolved, but should be to minimise disputes and to work towards finding a common ground. To handle them constructively, it is important to be aware and overcome ineffective behaviours that are obstructing a peaceful resolution.
So the next time you find yourself in an argument with someone, try to see it as an opportunity to find a common goal rather than a chance to prove your point. You might never know there might be quite a few in common that you can work towards in building a successful relationship.
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