How to deal with toxic behaviour

In order to be successful in the work you do, you need to dedicate your time, effort and mental strength to what you pursue. But sometimes what makes your work difficult is the toxic behaviour of difficult people around you that fuel negativity, stir up doubt and generally make your work harder. Some people may cause endless interpersonal conflict and tend to make others feel bad about themselves on a regular basis. Toxic people deplete your energy, distract your thoughts and derail your progress and make you question your abilities.

We all encounter such people even in our personal lives or outside of our work places. We may also find traits of toxic behaviour that are undesirable in our coworkers, amongst our friends, or even in our family. Your interactions with such people in your life or workplace can be damaging to your self-image and create anxiety and stress.

When we come across toxic behaviour in our personal lives or in workplaces, it can be quite destabilising and has negative emotional impact with feeling of being deeply discounted or deflated, robs us of our enthusiasm and can lead to confusion or chaos. Your attitude to your own self is important, but it is more so when you have to deal with difficult persons who tend to rub you the wrong way. They usually are mean and grudging about everything and have an aura of unpleasantness about them. Toxic behaviour of such people not only inflicts a personal hurt, but also negatively impacts your success, wellness and productivity.

Toxicity of difficult people

People can be either easy to deal with, or difficult to deal with. Our relations with the former remain pleasant and smooth. We like such people. Relations with the latter are often under strain and friction. We often tend to dislike them as they create unnecessary complexity, strife, stress and toxic environment around them and others. You may experience toxic behaviour from anyone be it a parent or sibling or a friend or a co-worker or a superior in your workplace. One thing is common about such behaviour is that they try to justify their behaviour and they don’t want to take responsibility for their actions.

Toxic behaviour can be of different forms like bullying, humiliating in the presence of others, or intimidation which is not only hurtful in the moment but makes you feel worthless and fearful in the future. Even blaming others, gossiping and rumour mongering are considered as subtle forms of toxic behaviours. Avoidance or ignoring a person in meetings or social events can be also be a toxic way of putting someone down.

Toxic behaviour can be a product of certain kinds of environments and it is important to know how to recognise such behaviour and how to deal with it effectively. Here are some character traits to identify toxic people in your life or at workplace.

Narcissistic: They are all about themselves and view themselves as more desirable and talented than anyone else around. They want to mange through fear and relate to others in a condescending manner and they even take credit for others successes and have a habit of manipulating thereby giving less importance to others or trust or teamwork.

Judgmental: They are highly judgmental and can be quite arrogant and intimidating. They have a habit of criticising making negative conclusions about your choices, or ideas without any reason and never give you a constructive feedback.

Controlling: These people control through manipulation and deceit and they exploit your weaknesses. They tend to inhibit your creativity and ignore your ideas or decisions because of their know-it-all attitude. They think they are never wrong.

Pessimistic: They have a habit of bringing everyone down by going on about downsides about every idea. They might drag you into their negativity, stirring up doubt and disappointment with in you. They tend to play victim card and never own up to their mistakes.

Retrogressive: They are unwilling to go along with others, greedy, clingy, dishonest, angry, insecure, greedy and mostly are non-believers. They often resort to gossip and telling lies that breeds suspicion and will make your environment unproductive.

Non-empathetic: They cut down your plans and ideas in front of others, belittle your actions, and create feelings of low self-esteem. They lack empathy and can resort to harmful ways to bring others down and this also makes them deflect their ability to consider the consequences of their actions.

Complainers: They are fault finding, blaming and often wallow in their problems and fail to focus on solutions. They are certain about what should be done and they never seem able to correct the situation by themselves.

Hostile people: They tend to react violently and can be cynical, argumentative and have trouble being in the wrong. They can be egotistical and are often difficult to deal with. They often engage in toxic behaviour trying to cover up their own insecurity and avoid taking responsibility for a problem and blame others.

Other character traits like aggression, paranoia, or sadism can also be attributed to toxic behaviour. Toxic behaviour is the result of prioritising self-interest above everyone else’s, inability to consider another person’s perspective or emotional state, and not caring enough to acknowledge how their behaviour affects others.

How toxic behaviour affects productivity in workplace

People look for meaningful work and they want to be part of teams that are efficient, engaging and one that contributes to the work place’s purpose and success. Any organisation’s or a workplace’s success is attributed to its culture which becomes its character. In today’s work culture, where people work in teams and project-based models, with daily interactions, there is more probability of facing or come across toxic behaviour of difficult teammates or coworkers. If some toxic behaviours are tolerated for some reason, it not only makes the good talent leave the organisation, but they also fail to attract the right talent.

Certain workplaces might give importance to expertise or other measurable skills thereby undermining the toxic behaviour as they might think losing an expertise can impact their work or business. But if tolerated can have long-term implications by negatively impacting the culture of workplace, their growth, right talent, and productivity. If a workplace is toxic,

• It results in unhealthy and damaging communication patterns like complaining, blaming thereby causing lack of trust. Poor communication, or withholding information, or giving misleading information which makes the place not only dysfunctional but also makes it difficult to follow and implement proper procedures resulting in creating inconsistencies and low productive work.

• It is often difficult for people to work together and accomplish their tasks in toxic environments. People who work in such environments often have emotional issues like depression, anxiety, irritability and a sense of fear or failure.

• Toxic culture might lead to biased behaviour which can lead to poor level of motivation and commitment to work.

• Unhealthy competition can lead to toxic behaviours like lack of cooperation, blame-game, gossiping, or unhealthy work environment.

If you work or live in a toxic environment where toxic behaviour becomes a fixed way of operating, then you become a target of hostility, rudeness, bullying or other forms. As a result, your productivity, morale, and engagement in work decreases.

How to deal with toxic behaviour

Whether in our personal or work lives, we likely have encountered such people with toxic behaviour and some difficult personality traits, while some may have developed the ability to deal with them in a peaceful manner, others seem to struggle in dealing with difficult people. Whether it’s your co-worker, your neighbour, or your friend or your family member, sometimes people can be overwhelmingly difficult. If you have to deal with someone who puts up resistance, things can go quickly out of your control.

To deal with toxic behaviour effectively, you need to hone certain strategies that can enable you to control what you can and eliminate what you cannot. If you can develop the ability to remain calm and manage your emotions when faced with difficult people and deal with them in an appropriate way, you can gain more control of the situation. Handling difficult people may not be easy, but it is important for your well-being. Here are some strategies to deal with toxic behaviour in your personal or work situations.

Set firm boundaries

Toxic person is one who refuses to hear your perspective. Any attempts to explain yourself or being reasonable only frustrates you as they refuse to understand your perspective. Be assertive in saying no to the demands that feel unreasonable without explaining or justifying yourself. Avoid interactions with them that increases their aggressiveness or that encourages intense emotions. If you work on a team with toxic people, set a clear boundary by limiting the time you spend with him or her. Keep your communications short and clear without getting bogged down with too much emotion. You don’t need to convince them as they will not see your point of view. Avoid being defensive and don’t waste time proving that you are right. If you don’t set limits, you are bound to find yourself constantly embroiled in difficult conversations. Minimise your interaction and try to keep things short by excusing yourself from conversation or by bringing a third party into the conversation.

Control your response

We normally respond immediately when we feel challenged wth unreasonable behaviour of people. Difficult people most of the times are irrational and are not creatures of logic. They are full of prejudice and are motivated by arrogance. So, there is no point in responding to them emotionally and get sucked into their negative emotional spiral. Distance yourself from them emotionally and take time before you speak or respond. When you find yourself with a person who is engaged in a toxic behaviour, decide when it is worth your efforts to discuss or when the issue must be addressed. Choose better time to resolve or to communicate. Don’t give them opportunity to manipulate you or twist your words. Do not resort to name-calling or react impulsively, instead the more calmer you remain the more likely it is that the other will reflect on his/ her behaviour.

Communicate with clarity

While communicating with aggressive and intimidating people, the best way to deal is by not engaging in an argument. Being polite and precise in your language can give them less room to engage in their toxic behaviour. Don’t focus on their criticism or inappropriateness, instead focus on your actions and response. You should know you are in the right to deal with arrogant people. Validating and getting to know their perspective can help them turn their behaviour around.

When dealing with chronic complainers, the best way is to allow them to complain unless they also present a solution to the issue. This will reduce their ability to affect you or fellow team members or those around you. Setting time limits and list of things to be accomplished to those who stall or procrastinate or unfocused or disorganised can reduce your stress and frustration. Communicating the consequences of their actions and behaviour can make them change it.

Find your support-system

Sometimes it will be entirely ineffective putting up with such behaviour alone or tackling it by yourself if you have emotionally invested in such behaviour. Tap into your support system to gain a perspective on the person involved and his or her behaviour. Identify people outside your work or team or family and those who root for you and ready to support you and seek their help to deal with such behaviour. Strengthen your ties with your friends and others you trust. This can help balance your perspective and having your point validated can boost your self-esteem. Find activities that keep you away from the toxic people and toxic environment.

Seeking support sometimes can be more helpful as others can be a solution as they are not emotionally invested in the situation.

Know when to move on

Before we seriously think about dealing with difficult people, we must accept a basic principle of living – we can do nothing about the way people are. Sometimes, we cannot deal with the way they are. In such cases, it is better to know when to move on by being practical and realistic. There is no point wasting time dealing with people who make no efforts to acknowledge their behaviour and change it.

If their behaviour persists, it is better to step back and reevaluate the situation. If you develop an ability to look at your part in the situation, you can choose whether you may want to tactfully correct their behaviour or want to pursue a conversation and try to resolve the differences in a calm and rational way. Sometimes if their behaviour is deliberate and habitual, then it is better to avoid any further engagements with such people because their perspective may not change.

Finally,

Focus on solution, and not on problem

When you are in conflict with a toxic person, your unchecked emotions can be damaging. When you fixate too much on the problem, you create a prolonged negative emotions and stress. Fixating on how difficult they are gives them power over you. Instead if you focus on solutions to deal with such behaviour, you can create a sense of personal efficacy that produces positive emotions and reduces stress. Stop thinking about how troubling or difficult the person or his/ her behaviour is and focus on how you are going to handle them.

Your failure to understand a person also results in ‘his’ becoming difficult. For a proper understanding of difficult people, it is important to understand yourself as others see you. Make sure others meet the real you. And you meet the real other person. Sometimes even having high expectations without thinking of others’ rights and limitations, puts too heavy strain on others where they are forced to react unfavourably and they get difficult to deal with. Focusing on solutions makes you more in control in dealing with toxic behaviour.

To Do:

Consider which of the strategies above will be most helpful to deal with difficult people in your life or at your workplace or business. When you find yourself in specific scenario where you find signs of toxic behaviour, consider asking yourself the following questions.

Am I part of the problem or am I trying to cast blame?

What will happen if I just let it be or what will happen if I take control of the situation?

Am I in the right frame of mind to deal appropriately with the person or situation?

What can I do to prevent such toxic behaviour happening in future?

Take some time to think before you act or respond if you are angry. Go to the person and deal with it and if you think you cannot deal with the difficult person all by yourself, seek support from a friend, or closed one or a coworker if it is in a workplace to get a read on your feelings.

Implementing healthy strategies while dealing with difficult people will prepare you to better handle stress and hbetter equipped to deal with any difficult person.

Access your inner guidance

“The really valuable thing is intuition. The intellect has little to do on the road to discovery. There comes a leap in consciousness, call it intuition or what you will, and the solution comes to you and you don’t know how or why.”

– Albert Einstein

The routines of everyday life—the same rituals in the home or work place—don’t make big demands on our decision-making capacities. But when making decisions under pressure, or choosing between solutions, or while making important choices about a career direction, many of us feel ill equipped to make the right choice. This is because most of us developed logic and reasoning skills through education and learned only to think rather than feel our way through life. So we navigate through life using only our logical left brains as a compass thereby undervaluing the intuitive capacities of our right brain. Most often our intuition capacities remain unappreciated and are largely left unused.

Many of us are hesitant about going with our gut instincts because we believe that they are uncertain. We fail to recognise that intuition serves as a means of self-expression. Whenever you experienced the feeling that something in a situation wasn’t right, then you’ve experienced intuition. Same way, if you ever experienced a situation where everything did seem to come together or right, that is also your intuition.

Why is ‘intuition’ important?

Learning to access your intuitive intelligence is important because of the expanse of information that is available with countless data, opinions, and endless expert advice telling you what you should do. With information coming from all directions, it becomes even more important to rely on your inner guidance system to make good choices and decisions that will guide you towards your best interests.

Research shows that accessing your intuitive capacities is one way to unleash your creativity. Learning to trust your intuition not only helps you in making better decisions but also boosts your creativity, guidance, clarity and confidence. You cannot always consciously rationalise every choice you make. Sometimes you have to go with your instincts, especially when you feel strongly about something. When faced with making tough choices, trusting your instincts can steer you in the right direction and can be a reliable guide in your decision-making process and you will be able to make well-informed decisions. By accessing your intuitional capacities, you will be able to find solutions more easily and be able to develop a complete and a broader perspective of issues outside of yourself.

Understanding ‘intuition’..

Intuition is not what most people think it is; it is not what we think. It comes from a different side of the brain from that of logic and is defined as the ability to understand something instinctively without the need for conscious reasoning. The ability to understand something, without having to consciously process it, or to rationalise to make sense of it. It is a deep down or subconscious understanding to what we mostly refer to as gut feeling. It is an instinctive response to something that you immediately know, identify, or recognise with.

You probably use or access your intuition on a regular basis without being fully aware of it like for instance,

• when you have to make a decision or a choice and weigh the pros and cons, and are still confused or uncertain, and are at crossroads of your decision-making process.

• when there is too much information to digest consciously in a situation, you tend to go with an option that fits with your intuition rather than the guidance of others.

• When you don’t have enough time to rationalise a probability thoroughly, you resort to an instinctive action.

The intuitive process differs from person to person influenced by factors like their personality, attitude, their environment, culture, and other situations. Your intuitiveness tends to be more aligned with your subconscious of which your reasoning mind is unaware as your intuition depends on the collection of all your subconscious experiences.

So, what impedes your intuitiveness?

We all can access our intuitive capacities. But it depends on how you develop your intuitiveness and stay in tune with it and make it to work. Some factors can impede your ability to access your inner guidance during your decision-making and may let the logical mind control your thoughts and actions. Here are some such factors:

• Your intuitive capacities are fully intact but often hidden behind screen of logic and reasoning. Logic interferes with intuition.

Lack of focus Often, intuitive messages are drowned by all the noise and activities that are going on in and around you. With distractions you cannot access your true feelings, thoughts and words.

Lack of awareness of your surroundings and insight prevents you to get in touch with your intuitiveness. Your inner sense impressions most often come to you through one of your five senses. And the lack of awareness of your mental filters and learning to perceive reality objectively makes your intuition distorted.

• You will not be able to access your inner guidance by being fast-paced. The subtle messages go unnoticed and aren’t available to those who has the free attention to notice them.

• You can’t live Intuitively if you have an unhealthy emotional state. If you constantly compare yourself to others, or worry, or stressed, or exhausted, your will end up interpreting your intuition wrongly.

How to improve your intuitiveness?

“Intuition does not come to an unprepared mind.”- Albert Einstein

While making important decisions, we often face difficulty as we rely on only on our conscious mind and get lost weighing many options and variables. The left brain has knowledge, but without the intuitive wisdom of the right brain every decision comes out half-baked. By establishing a cooperative relationship between your conscious and subconscious, you can tune into your intuitiveness to make better decisions. Here are certain ways to access your inner guidance and to improve your intuitive capabilities.

Let go of logic

In order to begin accessing and trusting your intuitive powers, you need to stop being so reasonable and let go of logic sometimes. Logical mind dominates and devalues the intuitive messages and logical thinking distances you from using what you already intuitively know to navigate through certain situations. Use both logic and intuition, but not at the same time.

Trust your intuitive messages

If you have some idea you believe in, don’t listen to the croaking chorus. Listen only to what your own inner voice tells you.” – Daniel Carnegie

Believing in your ability to access and understand the messages can help you make better decisions. Trusting your intuition is a way of listening to your basic self through your physical senses and emotions. The better you can see, feel, or hear the inner guidance, the better equipped you will be in accessing your intuitiveness. Have the willingness to trust your instincts, when you feel uncertain or doubtful.

Make time to reflect and relax

You must be receptive, passive and open to notice subtle things that pop up. The more relaxed you are, the more your usually dominant, logical left brain steps back and your intuitive capacities come forward. To access your inner guidance, you have to make time to reflect on your experiences. Reflecting on the past experiences can give you a more objective view of things and makes you more aware of your negative emotions that might be preventing you from picking up intuitiveness of your subconscious.

Apply intuitive perspective

You may sometimes lack sufficient perspective to make a clear decision. How can you know the consequences of a decision ten years from now? you cannot know. But you can gain an intuitive perspective by using your imagination into the future. This enables you to apply intuitive wisdom to a decision by anticipating the future consequences of that decision rather than looking only from view-point of present. Asking questions that are aligned with your goals and seeking answers to them can raise your intuitive perspective.

Believe in your higher self

Intuition must ultimately rely on faith, because your inner guidance does not necessarily lead to risk-free decisions. Sometimes your intuition guides you onto a difficult path. But this doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision. Believing in your higher self can teach you to deal with difficulties and evolve in the process.

Finally, Intuitiveness can’t flourish in a busy environment. To access your inner guidance, you have to build in time in your schedule to meditate. In a meditative state, you can gain awareness and let go of your negative thoughts attuning you to clarity. This will make room for your inner voice and can lead to decisions that result in better outcomes.

“ When we consciously breathe, we connect to the present moment. This is when we are most in alignment with our intuition.”

Conclusion

Intuition is not about certainty. It is about trusting and having the courage to treat everything that happens as exactly what you need for your highest good and learning. With the inner guidance you will be able to navigate any situation with a sense of joy and ease. It may not tell you what you want to hear, but it will tell you what you need to do, can be a reliable guide and can be something that is worth following in your everyday lives.

“Follow your instinct. That’s where true wisdom manifests itself.” – Oprah Winfrey

Reframe your limiting beliefs

Most of the times, we are open about our physical health, but how often do we seriously consider our mental well-being?

Many of us lead busy, often hectic lives, so it is easy to experience certain levels of stress and anxiety that have an adverse impact on our thoughts, efficiency, emotional well-being and overall health.

Thinking is basically a mental process; which helps one define, organise, plan, learn, reflect and create experiences. In-fact human beings think at the rate of 1300 to 1800 words per minute according to a study. This explains why our mind wanders even when we are listening to others. One’s mind has all kinds of fleeting thoughts passing at any particular time. Day to day stressors add on to the kind of thoughts we have and are also one of the reason of we having unpleasant and irrational thoughts that don’t serve us any purpose.

Thoughts on their own will not affect one’s destiny, but if one spends time dwelling upon the unpleasant thoughts, surely then they impact one’s life in every kind of way. The prolonged periods of unpleasant mental state can be detrimental to your mental health and hinder you from performing to your maximum potential. So a lot depends on your ability to think correctly in certain stressful situations and unexpected life situations. Correct thinking is only possible if done so consciously and on purpose. Most of the times it is your beliefs that influence how you think. When you hold on to certain beliefs that don’t serve your interest or values, they give rise to unpleasantness which in turn hurts your ability to be rational, happy and successful.

Your beliefs shape your thoughts

Your beliefs have an impact on how you think, feel and act most of the time. The emotions we feel and the behaviours that arise from emotions are due to the beliefs that we hold about ourselves, people and environment around. Our beliefs shape our interpretations and how we evaluate certain situations and occasionally, due to certain limited beliefs we hold of ourselves, our thoughts can be distorted, biased, or negative thereby giving rise to irrational thought patterns and negative moods.

Because of such irrational thought patterns, we interpret the facts through a distorted perspective and create the impression that imaginary scenarios represent actual facts. If you hold onto negative beliefs, you tend to worry about things that are unlikely to happen. Such biased thinking affects your communication with others, your emotional/ mental well-being as well as your perceptions. Inability to perceive reality accurately leads to errors in your thinking and causes cognitive bias. These biases make you think in a very exaggerated and irrational ways, causing fear, anxiety, and insecurity. Because one’s thinking is so firmly associated with one’s beliefs, it’s not easy to change one’s thinking pattern unless you put in the required work to reframe your limited beliefs.

So, how do you deal with your irrational thinking?

Our minds constantly create narratives as they are pattern making machines. We always like to process facts through our minds and build association that seem to have a logic or rationale behind them. In doing so, we become victims of certain beliefs that aren’t logical, rational, or accurate representation of facts. This is one of the reason why we think in an exaggerated and irrational way about ourselves at times by giving into our negative beliefs. In some ways, our brains get wired to make these errors every now and then making ‘distorted’ or ‘faulty’ thinking patterns.

It is possible to modify your irrational thought patterns by being able to recognise what you are perceiving, assuming, and expecting. Being aware of your irrational thoughts and learning to reframe or restructure them with rational thoughts can be helpful especially when you are in situations that cause anxiety or depression or stress. It is important to learn that situations are not always the cause of our irrational thinking, but it is the way we perceive and interpret the situations. Interpreting the relevant facts of the situation effectively to come to rational conclusions can help in eliminating some of your false assumptions about yourself.

By restructuring your thoughts and reframing the way you interpret a situation, you can deal with your irrational thoughts and slowly make progress towards rational thoughts that are more empowering.

How to reframe your irrational thoughts and limiting beliefs ?

The essential idea behind reframing is that a point of view depends on the frame it is viewed in. When the frame is shifted, the meaning changes and thinking and behaviour change along with it. Cognitive restructuring or reframing helps in observing, identifying and modifying irrational thoughts to rational thoughts and negative mental patterns to positive ones. By reframing, you can think constructively and can practice accurate thinking. You can reframe your limited beliefs to new beliefs that better serves you and your goals. Constructive reframing also helps in overcoming certain mood disorders, anxiety, stress or depression. It is about reorganising thoughts, ideas, awarenesses into correct perspective and putting them into practice. Here are some ways to practice cognitive reframing of your limited beliefs.

Familiarise yourself with cognitive errors

When you learn to familiarise yourself with certain errors in your thinking and cognitive biases, you can challenge your limiting beliefs and eliminate negative thoughts. Here are some examples of cognitive errors which leads to irrational thinking.

• Downplaying the importance of a positive thought or emotion or event thereby magnifying the negatives like “useless”, “ failure”, or “inadequate.”

• Drawing conclusions when there is little or no evidence or on the basis of perceptions and not on real facts.

• “Making mountain of a molehill” Blowing things out of proportion.

• Using words like ‘always’, ‘never’, ‘everyone’, ‘all’, ‘nobody’, etc.,

• Emotional reasoning – concluding that your emotional reaction proves something true, regardless of the observed facts.

Perfectionism – Thinking that you always have to be perfect, sating “should”, or “ must.”

• Thinking there are only two possibilities, when there may be other alternatives you haven’t considered.

Overgeneralisation – making conclusions based on a single event.

• Attributing personal responsibility for events which aren’t under your control.

• Thinking in extremes like “black-and-white” or “all-or-nothing thinking” (all good or all bad with no middle ground)

Practice noticing when you have these distortions in your thinking and ask yourself what other ways you could think. By being aware of these errors and reframing them can help you overcome your limited beliefs.

Challenge your irrational thoughts

Identify the thoughts that are of wrong perceptions and assumptions. Sometimes emotions make it difficult for you to think logically. The beliefs that we hold change how we manage our day-to-day experiences. Examine what are your negative beliefs and which emotions are involved and question how valid they really are. By questioning your negative beliefs and looking for alternatives, you can replace thoughts led by fear with realistic and positive thoughts. Replace obstructive and limiting thoughts with positive and empowering thoughts.

Track the accuracy of a thought

Analyse what the pros and cons of your limiting thoughts and beliefs. Evaluate the evidence for or against your irrational thought. Examine the validity of irrational thoughts and beliefs by asking critical thinking questions like what’s the worst possible and what’s the best possible thing of that thought. Once you narrow down to your irrational belief, you can think of a way to reframe it into more accurate and positive belief. Do not make up super unrealistic beliefs, instead find more positive way to frame a belief without deluding the facts of the situation.

Apply alternative views

There are always multiple perspectives to any given situation or circumstance. When you restructure your beliefs, you can look at the same facts through a new perspective and interpret in a way that can keep you motivated. By changing your perspective, you can make out your previous thinking errors and can transform them into rational thoughts. This way, you can discover the best way to view a situation so that it brings out your best possible self.

Avoid using extreme language

Often while expressing a negative belief or thought, we use exaggerated words like “never”, or “always”, or “very” and we end up identifying with negativity in ourselves too strongly. Instead, you can replace them with “sometimes”, or “at times”, or a “little”. This way you can downplay the negativity by how you speak about these negative traits by describing them in less intense ways. This way you can leave more room for positivity, improvement, and change. Reframe the way you describe your experiences and memories.

Develop mindful awareness

Simple meditation practice can develop your awareness of negative and irrational thoughts. Focusing your attention on your breath allows you to observe your thoughts as they arise in your mind. Whenever you notice any irrational thought popping, gently bring your attention back to experiencing the sensation of your breathing. Meditation is a great way to train yourself to be mindful of irrational thoughts and beliefs.

Finally, set your own direction and evaluate your progress. There are many ways to reframe any particular situation. And the way you would want to reframe a situation depends on your current goals, values, decisions and choices you make.

Conclusion

Cognitive reframing of your negative beliefs is extremely effective if used properly and consistently. It can help you overcome your limiting beliefs to become happy and successful. Reframing your limiting beliefs takes time and effort to master, but once mastered, you can keep repeating this positive thinking pattern for better results that add value to your goals. Take time to learn how to change your thinking for better and go beyond your limited beliefs and preconceived assumptions. Always remember constructive thinking is a process, one gets better with practice and experience.

Deal with your disappointments constructively

We all struggle with our frequent mood changes and disappointments which are an inevitable and inescapable part of life. They can be from various reasons and arise as a result of specific events or situations. They have high influence on the way we react and in the actions we take. We all have expectations like winning at something or to succeed in something that we care deeply about and so on and so forth. Each time something falls short of our expectation, we tend to feel disappointed and this leads to our mood changes. Some of the disappointments may not make much of a difference, but there are some that can make huge difference. The feelings of disappointment may last for a short while, or might hang over for long period of time depending on how we deal with them. If not dealt with properly, they affect our behavioural, cognitive, emotional and physical well-being.

With frequent mood changes and disappointments, we lose the ability to concentrate and may experience lapses in memory. Some experience irritability and prolonged period of disappointments may result in depression and sadness. Most of the times, our expectations lead to this complex and confused feeling. When faced with disappointment, some tend to attribute it to their personal failings and resort to self-blaming. They direct their anger inwards. This makes them feel they were not good enough. Others turn their anger outwardly which makes them feel bitter and vindictive.

Your mood changes can destroy your efforts

In order to avoid the feeling of disappointment, some distract themselves by turning to random, mindless activities instead of facing the problems head on. This may make them happy in short run, but does not resolve the actual problem and makes them underachievers. They tend to deny their goals by conditioning themselves not to set any expectations. This leads to self-depreciation and to a discontented life. Others seek to avoid by setting high expectations. They come under their presumptions that their expectations are realistic and when it turns out to be not true, it often leads to disappointment.

Getting caught up in your mood changes can cause feelings of isolation and low self-esteem. You avoid taking risks to prevent yourself or others from being disappointed. Focusing on your disappointments for long can destruct your efforts and have a negative impact on your confidence. When you are preoccupied by disappointment, you fail to put in the right effort. Instead if you treat them as learning experiences, they can become stepping stones for growth.

Know the reasons for your disappointments

You cannot snap out of your bad mood and feeling of disappointment quickly if you are not aware of what is causing them. Here are some reasons.

• The main reason for disappointment is the gap between the reality and your expectations. Having higher expectations can make you feel not being good enough.

• Feelings of guilt can lead to negative emotions and have a big impact on your mood.

• Rejections cause an emotional injury and thereby lead to your disappointments.

• Out standing tasks and mental to-do lists can nag at you and make feel discontented and disappointed.

• Brooding over past occurrences can get you stuck in replaying them over and over again.

• Feeling of failure and getting caught up on small annoyances can ruin your mood.

• Hanging on to false perceptions and negative beliefs like, “nothing works”, “not good enough”.

• Attachment to certain outcomes and too much fixation on your unrealistic goals.

We can deal with our disappointments constructively and more appropriately if we can differentiate between situations that fall within our control and factors that are beyond it.

Use your disappointments positively

You need not always get discouraged by your disappointments. If taken in positive way and dealt with constructively, they can strengthen you. Remember that your disappointments actually show your passion and can motivate you to succeed.

They help you manage your expectations

When we feel disappointed, our expectations fall out of line with the truth. By understanding the gap between your expectations and the reality, you can use them to correct your assumptions and adjust your expectations accordingly to achieve your goals.

They provide opportunity for growth. You can learn to deal with them in a positive manner and use them as opportunities to improve yourself. What you originally thought was sufficient to achieve your goal may not be enough and may need to increase your effort or change your approach to get the results you want.

They align you with your inner-self

Sometimes disappointments provide us with a better emotional state to get in touch with your inner self. By focusing on your underlying desire for your goal, rather than the external projection, you can create other possibilities to realise your desire.

Here are some strategies to get over disappointment and to deal with them constructively.

Put it in perspective

Often, small annoyances can become exaggerated and ruin your mood. You might feel disappointed about things you are unlikely to remember in a month’s time. If your disappointment is significant, try to focus on the larger picture and remind yourself of all the things you are grateful for. If not, it is not worth getting disappointed about.

Don’t dwell about what might have been

The more you dwell on the disappointment, the more it will hurt and disrupts your ability to focus, concentrate, solve or be creative. Give yourself a limited time to feel bad and move on. Do not internalise feelings of sadness and anger. Hanging on to these for long can make them part of your identity and deepen your emotional hurt.

Recharge yourself

Don’t be too self-critical and don’t get pulled down by your thoughts. Do not indulge in self-pity as it takes away feelings of empowerment. Look for positive activities and those that you most enjoy to recharge your consciousness to a positive level. This will help you gain some clarity and you can learn other perspectives which you may not be aware of.

Identify the next opportunity

There is always a next opportunity regardless of what disappointed you. Live in alignment with your abilities and inner desire. When you lose, use it to learn, and then go on to win next time.

Increase your possibilities

Do not limit yourself on a single goal and believe that it is the only way to make your dreams come true. There is always more than one reason why you are committed to a path. Increase your possibilities by creating other paths to realise your dreams.

Reevaluate your perceptions

Attaching yourself to a certain outcome causes anguish and prevents you from putting effort in moving on. Becoming aware of false perceptions or unrealistic expectations you are clinging on to and by releasing them, you can overcome disappointment and can move towards your goals.

Finally, Realign your focus

Don’t be discouraged by momentary disappointments.Everyone experiences disappointments. By being hard on yourself and thinking you are not good enough will not take you forward. Remember that you are much more capable at focusing on the positive than you think.

Next time, if you struggle to deal with your disappointments, try to reevaluate your expectations by asking yourself: what expectations do I have from my self?, what false perceptions am I getting hung up over?, could I have done something different to arrive at a desired outcome?. Reframe your disappointments as learning experiences. Cultivate a capacity to deal with them more constructively and start again to pursue your dreams.

“Life is not always a celebration; so be ready to courageously face disappointments when they come, and be sure to grow stronger and wiser from them.”  – Edmond Mbiaka

Manage your anger before it destroys you

Whenever there is injustice around us, we are subjected to anger. The feelings of anger and resentment well up more tension, stress and sadness. We do witness lot of demonstration of anger in the world. But all this anger in the past has enabled people to fight and overcome injustice. Unnecessary hatred and feelings of animosity create hostility. Whereas necessary anger serves a purpose. Sometimes it shows us a new perspective to move on or makes us realise something within us that we still need to work on.

We fail to recognise how accelerated our lives have become. The speed at which we are living results in racing thoughts where the mind goes rushing from one attitude to an other. This overstimulation creates emotional illness. It produces fatigue and frustration and we begin to fret about everything from our personal troubles to the state of the nation and the world.

At individual level, these chronic patterns of anger, hate, resentment and criticism raise the body’s stress levels and weaken our immune system. Anger clouds our thinking and concentration and leads to delusion and loss of memory. Anger is a natural energy and must be used constructively. If it overpowers, it can ruin us, but if we are in control, it can add to our welfare and strength.

“ Anyone can become angry- that’s easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time for the right purpose and in the right way – that is not easy.”- Aristotle

It is important to express your anger

Many of us experience bouts of anger from time to time. “When this anger is not expressed outwardly, it will be manifesting inwardly in the body and develops into a dis-ease or dysfunction.” The denial of anger and its suppression are unhealthy emotionally and physically. So it is good to release or express it in positive ways when it comes up.

Here are some ways, how anger manifests into various side effects based on its expression.

Repressed anger

Some people are afraid to show their anger. They hate making a scene and don’t like to offend others because they are scared of rejection. Many women are taught that anger is a bad emotion and for those who are parents, that losing your temper makes you a bad parent. So, many try to swallow their anger and suppress it. Despite being angry, they feel they don’t have a right to express it. This built up anger which is not expressed over a long time turns into bitterness and resentment. This might result in to depression and sadness.

Passive aggression

Some build anger against others or situations over time. They express it by sulking or criticising and tend to hold a grudge. They may not be screaming and shouting, but there is a good chance they’ll finally snap. This is aggression veiled in passive terms. Sometimes they end up venting their frustration on wrong people. Holding on to grudges will continue to keep them in a state of constant anger which effects their psychological well-being.

Habitual anger

Some are angry for major part of their lives. This is habitual anger and becomes their second nature. They always want to get their own way and are impatient. They are verbally expressive and frequently get into arguments. They have short fuse and slightest thing can set them off. Habitual anger is not good for the body as it gets lodged in there and might manifest into major health issues.

Learn to Manage your anger

Anger is a useful emotion and needs to be controlled and managed. With all the stress and pressure in our lives, it is easy to lose our cool at the slightest irritation. Like any other emotion, being aware of your agitated feelings lets you you recognise, accept and deal with them in a positive way.

Efficient anger management also lies in learning how to express your anger appropriately. We all know the damaging effects of anger and how it ends up creating negative thought patterns. So it is healthy to release anger to create new space inside for loving, optimistic and cheerful thought patterns.

Here are some techniques to help you manage your anger.

Control your emotions

We all become defensive and tend to over react during unfavourable situations. You don’t have to give everything a reaction. The best thing to do sometimes is to stay silent and walk away. It is better to realise that what matters so much in that moment may become insignificant later. Realise that being angry is to give away power to others. Instead control your own emotions.

Change the way you think

When you are angry, your thought process gets dramatised and exaggerated. Swearing and cursing leads to erratic behaviour. Recognise the situation and rationally replace them with calming thoughts. Make a conscious effort to rationalise your thoughts so that you can figure it out eventually. Restructure your thoughts for a favourable outcome.

Learn to communicate

Repressing anger is not healthy. Go beyond your emotional hurts and get out of ‘done me wrong’ syndrome. Learn to communicate your issues openly to the person with whom you are angry. It is always better to ‘Say’ rather that to ‘Show’ your anger.

It is ‘okay’ to be angry with your children or parent or spouse or employee or friend. Perhaps the anger is because you are not communicating with others. Clear up your mind by having healthy conversations and expressing it constructively. You will be able to see your situation in new light and find solutions.

Be aware of anger triggers

We cannot fight anger, but can be aware of what causes and when it arises. Rejecting and fighting the feelings of anger will only make you more agitated. Recognising and accepting with total awareness protects you from its damaging effects. Identify what is that you are really angry about and what are the situations that make you angry and resentful. Knowing what triggers lets you handle your feelings and gives you better control over those things and situations.

Practice forgiveness

Forgiveness is an act of freedom unto yourself. Holding on to the feelings of bitterness and anger will only make the issues bigger than they originally were. When you hold onto something from the past, it will continue to make your present moment disharmonious. Forgiving the person with whom you are angry and letting go of the anger will dissolve the disharmony and removes hostile thoughts and feelings. This gives you freedom to move on with present.

Think before you speak

Take a second to think about what you say in the heat of the moment. Saying something hurtful will have its dire consequences. If you are in a bad mood, it is ‘okay’ to avoid the confrontational situations until you are ready. Give yourself time to process it. Making others wait for your response is better than reacting immediately by saying something that you will only regret later.

Practice relaxation

When you feel fully relaxed and at ease, it would be difficult to feel angry or frustrated. When you relax, you can do much to release the tension associated with anger. Practice taking a handful of deep breaths before responding when you are angry. There are several breathing exercises that can help you deal with anger issues.

Mindful breathing has calming effect and makes you better equipped to manage your frustrations and impatience.

And finally, make a conscious effort to slow your pace or your tempo to quieten your thoughts. Repeat a series of words which express quietness and peace and perform your daily activities mindfully.